Happily ever after

I haven’t updated this blog for a really long time. Part of the reason is that I’ve been worried about my lower-back pain recently, I tried not to sit or stand for a long time. Unfortunately to write a post you have to sit or stand. Lying on the bed doesn’t work, it’s bad for your eyes. Typing while walking wouldn’t work either, for the same reason, although I know that Linus enjoys it. I’m not him, people are not different.

Yes, people are different. I’ve been living in the world for almost 30 years, yet I just figured out that my value in the dating market was not high. I’m not a heathy guy, neither mentally or physically. Especially mentally. I would say that neuroticism has completely changed the course of my life. I worry about trivial things all the time and exaggerate the consequences to the extent that I’m not able to bear it. This usually happens along with the change of my physical conditions. Now the combination of my physical illness and mental illness has forced me to live a life that I do not want to live. That’s ridiculous, but I’m unable to change it, it’s just like my fate. I’m also unable to change my conditions, medical books told me that I had to make do with my body, psychological books told me that neuroticism was one of the five big personality traits, none of which could be changed dramatically. I know that, how can I not know that, I’ve been living with neuroticism for almost 30 years.

Life is suffering. I first heard of it when I was listening to a lecture of a clinical psychologist. Although I was suffering, I didn’t know others were suffering too. Merely hearing it relieved me a lot. I began to know the story of Cain and Abel, began to understand the importance of sacrifice, began to take the responsibilities that I should take, until recently, when my old friend, neuroticism kicked in again.

The dreadful reality is that I feel hopeless for this life when I’m neurotic. I hope my life could end soon so I won’t need to go through the sufferings in it. It tricked me into thinking that my life would be even more suffering if something bad happened. I do not know how to handle it but to endure the unreal imagination.

I once got a marriage advice from a psychologist: If you are a neurotic person, do not marry another person who is also neurotic, it would be a total disaster. Yes, I can feel it. I’m already a neurotic person, I do not want to be neurotic with another one, feel it every day of my life. It’s just so bad.

Life is suffering, life is hard, but is it possible that life is easy and happy for some people? I’ve been pondering over this question recently, and I would say that the answer is absolutely yes. We are born differently, with different appearances, different levels of intelligence and health, different mentalities and personality traits, and we live in different conditions. It has to be that some people lead a better life than others, those people are healthy, good-looking, intelligent, extroverted, enthusiastic, and full of humor, and of course, they are lucky enough to steer clear of the obstacles in their life and prevent them from impacting their lives. You have to admit that those people exist. I guess happiness conforms to the normal distribution too, while I’m in the wrong range(less happy than most people), some are extremely happy. They are rare, but they exist, unfortunately I’m not one of them.

Is life meaningless? Probably. Almost everyone arguing against it is saying that thinking in this way is not good for your life. Yes, true, but it still doesn’t make it wrong. Lucky people don’t care about it, because they are probably having a good life. Life being meaningless or not has nothing to do with them, anyway, who cares about it when you are having fun?

This post is full of negativity. Maybe that’s because I’m not in a good mood recently. The probability of me having a good life is pretty low now. I have to suffer, to sacrifice, in order to make my life a little better. I cannot even imagine me having a happy life, it’s just too hard to be true based on my current physical and mental conditions.