I'm going to meet a girl this Sunday

I’m been knowing a girl for about a year, all of our communications are only kept online, until I invited her to have a dinner. Well, actually I’ve been trying to have a dinner with her for several months, I think the first time I tried was two months ago, we made a deal that we would meet on Sunday, unfortunately I got sick that week and had to cancel it, then it was a holiday, when she needed to go home, after which I invited her again, but she refused because she had to meet her friends at that time, but she suggested that we could meet on workdays, which I refused. I couldn’t meet her on workdays because of my lower-back pain. The pain is usually more serious on workdays because I have to sit or stand all the time during the day. I haven’t told her about that yet, I think she just thought the reason I wasn’t coming on workdays was that I had to work overtime during workdays.

Last week she suggested that we could meet this Sunday, I accepted this invitation. However, I immediately got sick this Monday, at first it was fever, then it’s throat pain and cough followed. I’ve never encountered this situation before. I mean, I have absolutely gotten sick before, but I haven’t been in this situation where I kept inviting a girl to have a dinner and couldn’t make it, even if she wanted to meet me, too. It’s like God is preventing us from meeting. But I have to see her. I don’t know whether God is good or evil, I don’t even know if he exists, but even if he does exist, he doesn’t seem to give me a good life as I should live. He keeps throwing a bunch of health problems at me and has changed the course of my life completely. I might have a chance to live a better life if I were healthy. But till now, things can hardly be changed, I’m living a life that I don’t want to live. I’m going to see this girl anyway.

Although I’m about to be 30, I don’t think I’m ready to get married, I don’t even think I’m ready to have a girl friend. I have to tell her all the dark sides of me, I have to tell her that I have several health problems, some illnesses may have a chance to be carried over to our children. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to hurt myself, either. She seems to be beautiful, maybe she deserves a better person.

I might have thought too much. Maybe what will happen tomorrow is that we meet, she doesn’t think I’m worth trying, and we never talk again after we split. Yes, it’s probable.