I need to stop making my life worse

I’m reading a book recently, it’s called Surviving and Thriving with an Invisible Chronic Illness: How to Stay Sane and Live One Step Ahead of Your Symptoms. The reason why I’m interested in this book is that I also have some chronic illnesses, some of them might be cured(although I haven’t found a way to cure it), some of them may never be cured due to the limitations of the modern medicine. I’ve been struggling with these illnesses for years, the most horrible thing about having these illnesses is that, you don’t know how to lead a life with them. Sometimes they force you to give up your love, your job and give you no alternative. You don’t know what to do because no one can tell you. Most people in the world are just being told to work hard, to go for what they want, they are not being told how to live a life with several chronic illnesses. You can work hard until your body tells you otherwise, and your body may tell you to give up your dream because your health condition is just not good enough to pursue it. It’s tragically real.

I haven’t finished this book yet. But I’ve seen something that strikes me a lot. It’s called “accept your conditions”. Yes, it’s true. Although we have dreams, we need to work hard to make money, to get social status, and to get a better life, we also need a good body to achieve it. If you don’t have good health, it just wouldn’t happen. Accept your conditions doesn’t mean to be pathetic, to give up everything. It means you should stop making unrealistic goals about your life, because when you cannot achieve it, you will feel bad and miserable, which will finally do harm to your life. You should make goals that is achievable to you, and try to realize it. You may never have as good a life as others, some goals are doomed not achievable to you, but it doesn’t mean you cannot live a quality life with your conditions. It’s still possible, the most important thing is to keep moving on with your life. The rule is, you are either full of sufferings and miseries, or you can try and see if you can get a good life, IOW you can at least stop making your life worse.

Yes, stop making my life worse. I know that is an important rule because I’ve been violating it for months, or even years. Sometimes I just feel so hopeless about my current health conditions that I think I will not have a future. What do you do when you don’t have a future? You make your life worse. You keep wasting your time and indulge yourself in useless things. Who cares the result if you can never have a great life? What’s the point of working hard if you can never have a life you want? So I keep making my life worse. Maybe it’s time to stop. Maybe if I could just stop making my life miserable, I might have a chance to live a decent life, or maybe a life that I want, although the probability is not that high, it’s still possible.

It’s also ridiculous that my bad health exacerbates my loneliness. Due to my bad health conditions, I’ve always been afraid to meet a girl and be with her. I’m afraid that she would dump me because of it. I met a girl several months ago. She is beautiful. I told her that I had lower-back pain, I couldn’t sit for a long time because of it. Well, that is just one of the health problems that I have. She mentioned it when we were eating, and she seems to care about it a lot. Maybe she really thought about it a lot and decided that us being together was not a good thing. I think so, too, ironically. When I looked at her, I saw a girl that was not crushed by life. She didn’t know what was suffering, she didn’t know what was like to live with health problems. I do not want pass bad genes to her children. I don’t want to see her suffer, especially for things that I cannot control. Yes, I’m unable to control my health conditions, I’m unable to stop my bad genes from passing down to my children, which are also her children. The most sensible thing for me to do is just stop communicating with her. So she can find another person who has good genes, at least they will have a healthy child. And that’s what I did.

This kind of thought keeps me from looking for a girl. I do not want them to suffer. But my life is also getting worse because of it. I feel extremely lonely sometimes and I don’t know who I should talk with to relive my pain. Nobody. Who would want be miserable anyway? We are taught to be tough. This society punishes those who express their miserable lives. I was walking on the street at night the day before yesterday and I didn’t know how to go on with my life. No one can tell me what to do if I’m unable to get a life you want. The most sensible thing that I can think of is that, my genes are not good enough, my genes are going to be thrown away in the history of evolution. and I, unfortunately, are going to be the last one to carry my genes.

You see, when you lose faith in life, you start making your life worse. So I started wasting my time. What’s the alternative? Work hard? Sorry, I’m not healthy enough to work hard. I’m not even sure how long I should work. The current rule is, I should stop working for such a long time. And it makes sense somehow, especially when I’ve got no one to make my life better. It’s easy to live, it’s hard to live a quality life.

But I feel that I need to stop doing that any more. I would not have a future if I just gave up myself. I need to find a girl, I need to move on with my life. I cannot endure the loneliness that comes out of my deeds. Yes, I can still live a life for now. But what about next year, or 2 years later? The most horrible thing is, there’s never a thing called “stay in the current”, if you are not moving forward, you are moving backward, because you keep getting older every day. Maybe I do not have good health, and I may never have, but I can stop make my life worse. It’s not an easy thing, especially when I’m not healthy. Sometimes the most difficult thing is to figure out what’s the right thing to do. Is working hard a right thing to do? Yeah, but how about your health conditions, when your body keeps telling you that you cannot hold on any more. Then how about lying on bed? It’s called wasting time but you do not feel the pain any more. The line is hard to draw, but I will try. I’ll try to draw a fine line and stop making my life worse any more.